Monday, May 9, 2011

Breaking Down My Breakdown

I'd like to say that I feel a whole lot better this morning and gained all kinds of fabulous perspective on my performance anxiety meltdown.  But I don't (feel better) and I haven't (gained perspective).

Last night while attempting to fall asleep, I did break it down a bit more.  The problem lies in my perfectionism and control issues.  I always strive to be a stand-out no matter what I do.  I can't settle for mediocrity and am very competitive.  Whether it's work or class, even yoga, I have to know that what I'm doing is at the top of the game.  Classic perfectionism.

As for the control issue?  Well, I always have to feel like I'm in control of everything in my life.  I know that's irrational, no one really is, but it gives me some sense of stability if I perceive that I am.  Performance anxiety puts you in a position of being completely out of control.  You have no power over the current situation and it's outcome.  It's paralyzing. 

I wonder how many more mornings I will wake up beating myself up.  I wonder how rational I'm really being in my own analysis of the situation.  Was my performance really THAT bad?  I wonder why I'm putting so much importance on it.  It was one job. 

Eventually I'm going to have to let it go.  Time heals all and it will this too.  I've had epic acting fails in the past.  I'll most likely have them in the future.  The successes will have to balance out the failures but that won't happen if I just give in and wallow in them.


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